


A Perfect Blank

by Whorcrux_x_x



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depressing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sorry to people expecting romance but child sexual abuse isn't cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 17:30:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8219257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whorcrux_x_x/pseuds/Whorcrux_x_x
Summary: Alois has a moment of inner reflection and thinks of his connection with Claude. For Celinedrinax. (Somewhat of a dark character study drabble looking into one of the many sides of Alois)





	

Outward appearances are important when one wants to hide old forgotten shame and also conceal a peaceful lack of emotion. It would be saddening to some becoming to devoid of feeling at such a young age but to Alois Trancy, that emptiness was a merciful gift he’s latched unto desperately and almost pitifully once he’d encountered it for the first time.

He didn’t know when it had begun. If it had began when his parents had died and he’d started to forget what they looked like or when Luka had been taken from him on the night their whole village except for them, had been wiped out. Or could it be when that pathetic horrid old man had put his filthy stubby fingers on his skin for the first time.

To be honest, sitting at a small table while sipping tea under the dulled sunlight streaming through his bedroom’s window, he stopped caring about what prompted him to become so inwardly cold. It was soothing to him to just pretend cheerfulness when in fact things with actual happy emotions annoyed him.

It had been a year since his contract with the demon he’d named Claude. A year since he had chosen a new mask to wear for others to see.

He couldn’t say it was the demon that had influenced him into changing although he sometimes envied and hated Claude’s perfectly blank golden stare while serving him.

Hated, envied and even _loved_ him.

It wasn’t a romantic love or that of a parent or a sibling. His odd connection with the demon spider was hard to explain at times but once in a rare while, when things were silent and he was alone for a brief moment, his mind would be clear of his forever changing emotions.

Those were the times that he realized that Claude’s presence was comforting because of the lack of emotion and the fact that Claude didn’t hide his motives for serving him.

_Devour my soul…_

The teacup in his hand didn’t shake.

He’d been aware of his fate as a future meal. A part of him was actually looking forward to becoming a part of Claude’s emptiness that he secretly abhorred and envied while another part felt only the tiniest hint of fear at the finality.

Wouldn’t it all ending so magnificently mean it was all worth it in the end? That thought  _did_ make him lose the fear.

Alois almost gave into the urge to call Claude to him. _Certain_ thoughts were coming to his mind and he knew that the image of the demon’s flat gaze would chase it away and remind him of how he shielded his memories now.

Self disgust began to make his stomach turn. He was feeling an old anger resurface and the teacup in his hand shook with only a couple of drops of liquid in its bottom.

Grinding his teeth, his heart began to pound in near pain within his chest. His clothes were feeling too tight. He wanted to smash the blasted dainty cup and see that useless Hannah scamper to fix it as Claude would look on unaffected by his moment of chaos.

That filthy shitty _ugly_ old man. His spotted skin, his distended soft belly and his mostly toothless mouth gnawing and drooling on Alois’s naked flesh, leaving a sickeningly sweet stench that never seemed to wash off him.

His fingers tightened around the cup still in his hand. Alois fancied hearing the porcelain start to crack at his squeezing.

This was not _his_ body anymore. It was that old fart’s property. He had claimed it, defiled it and put his _reeking spit all over it._

His body was but a shell that belonged to somebody else and he _hated being within it._

The only time he’d felt he once belonged to himself was when that pathetic piece of shit had died. Seeing the degenerate laughter forever frozen in his crinkly beady eyes staring back at him as Alois had smiled happily.

The old man had liked him ‘happy’ so Alois gave him that as a final farewell and a thanks for all his money and properties.

Although all those material things couldn’t clean him or erase what had been done to him.

The detached cold eyes of Claude gave him a brief taste of that freedom he craved. Odd how a demon that also wanted to take something from him strangely comforted him with that alone.

Hannah annoyed him like no other. She brought the opposite sensations Claude gave him. There was a sadness around her that made the sight of her face and sorrowful blue eyes insult him and his mask.

It reminded him of Luka. It was if _Luka_ was still alive and mourning what he had become, looking at him through _her_ eyes.

It brought back into his memories all that he had lost and the few remaining things he'd given up.

Why did she want to serve him and still looked at him as if she cared at all?! Why did she make him feel?! It hurt and angered him so strongly whenever she so much as breathed around him.

_I need Claude…_

He needed to cut off the emotions at the root before he'd lose himself and become a nauseatingly sobbing child. 

Giving into his moment of rage, he jumped from his seat and hurled the stupid cup across the room. It crashed into a painting he didn’t care much for.

“CLAUDE!” he shouted, already beginning to feel drained at his outburst. Soon that emptiness would come settle in as soon as he would see the blank golden eyes of that demon.

Sitting back into his seat with a bored slouch, he couldn’t help feeling excitement when Claude walked into his room.

Yes, there it was. That calming sensation that numbed him to those emotions coming back to him.

“Yes, your Highness…?” the deep voice was flat, and blissfully passionless.

“Clean that up,” Alois ordered, but seeing Claude about to turn to leave the room, he quickly added in a hard tone,“ _Without_ Hannah.”

“As you wish, your Highness…,” bowing to him, Claude walked over to the mess he’d created as Alois watched him with dulled eyes of his own.

He was already starting to forget what had enraged him moments earlier as soon as Claude had arrived.

Yes, he was a perfect blank once again.It brought a happy secretive smile to his lips at feeling that nothingness.

**Author's Note:**

> This is in no way to be seen as romantic at all. In fact I hate pedophilic ships and find them personally triggering. I just wanted to show Alois as a boy broken by life that envies emptiness because of how his memories assault him and make him behave erratically.
> 
> Sometimes I think the boy just wanted to be loved yet feared being loved because emotion would bring his trauma back up again.
> 
> His emotional switching like that has to do with his trauma as well, which is not uncommon (although people might think it's bratty of him , but he really can't help it)
> 
> Also added some PTSD along with his emotional changes, since that is also to be expected. So he's not merely having an emotional outburst but is reacting to having his trauma coming up along with his constantly changing moods.
> 
> (Hopefully that'll make him more understandable seeing as the kid is "slutshamed", made fun of or seen as a brat by people that didn't take these possibilities into consideration)
> 
> I have other views of his thoughts on Claude and even his thoughts on other characters but I chose this brief view this time around and will leave a more in-depth look into him in my Claude fanfic.
> 
> Please leave a kudos and/or review if you liked!
> 
> Now that I look at it, it does look kinda depressing doesn't it? T^T


End file.
